


Avernus

by grayspider1974



Series: Ivar's World [7]
Category: Vikings - Fandom
Genre: M/M, Other, Some aspects of the sexuality of ancient Rome might be offensive to modern sensibilities
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-09-24 09:15:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17097812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grayspider1974/pseuds/grayspider1974
Summary: In which Ecbert, King of Wessex descends to Avernus and meets two of the Emperors of ancient Rome





	Avernus

**Author's Note:**

> The "little fishies" are mentioned in the Annals of Imperial Rome by Publius Tacitus.  
> "Ave Ecbert, Rex Angletorum"..."Hail Ecbert, King of England."  
> "Et tua sum?"..."And who are you?"  
> "Ecce Tiberius Caesar, Imperator Romanum" This is a relatively informal introduction.  
> Falernian wine was said to be bubbly, like Processo but the exact process by which it was made has been lost to time.  
> "Ne me molestere, peccavatami! Et salve mei, Christos! Salve mei!"..."Leave me alone, sinners! And save me, Jesus! Save me!"  
> In Latin, "homophobe" would mean 'frightened man" rather than what it means in modern usage.

King Ecbert wandered through the sulphurous fog. He had not really known what to expect in the Afterlife, but he had never thought that he would spend it wandering about in a murk that smelled as though an entire city had dined together on beans and saurkraut and pickled eggs the night before and was now afflicted by a terrible flatulence. He tripped over the root of a cypress tree and scraped his hands badly when he tried to stop his fall. Cypress trees and fog...was there anything else in this dismal place? He saw a shimmer of light in the midst of one of the thickest and smelliest patches of fog, and nearly stumbled when he reached the edge of a small pool, but a cordial voice spoke  
"Ave Ecbert, Rex Angeltorum!"  
The mist cleared enough for Ecbert to see that two men were sitting in the pool, which although it had a distinctly reddish tinge from iron deposits and seemed to be foaming and fuming tremendously did not seem to be the infamous lake of boiling blood that was said to be the torment reserved for the wrathful and warlike in Hell and did not seem to bother the two men who sat in it.   
"Ave," said Ecbert. "Et tua sum?" His Latin was not good but he could manage a few phrases.  
"Ecce Tiberius, Imperator Romanum," said the elder.  
"Et ecce Gaius Germanicus Caesar Imperator Romanum" said the younger. He seemed a friendly and amiable young chap, if slightly effeminate in his manners. "You may continue in your native tongue if you like. We have a gentleman down here by the name of Publius Tacitus who has studied your people. Welcome to Avernus, my friend!"   
"I don't know how a Germanic barbarian like myself got here," said Ecbert "but I feel honoured. Truth is I kind of knew I was not to sit at Christ's right hand!"  
"Of course!" said Gaius Germanicus, commonly known as Caligula "Why would anyone adopt that barbaric Jewish cult? They think everything is a sin! Come and join us, Ecbert!" He spread his arms and grinned welcomingly, as did his cadaverous companion. Ecbert was a bit alarmed to see that the older man had unpleasant looking sores all over his body that might be caused by syphilis, but he stepped into the pool and found it pleasantly warm. A cup of the effervescent Falernian vintage was pressed into his hand...then something tugged on his genitals. Down between Ecbert's feet squatted a young boy of about ten.  
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?" he yelled.  
"That's one of my little fishes," said Tiberius. "Nibble nibble, little fish...nibble nibble!"  
"Oh, Sweet Priapic Christ!" quailed Ecbert. "I'm really not interested in what that little fellow seems to be offering...I like women!"  
"So do we," said Caligula. "I had sex with all the wives and daughters of my...oh! Hold on! Why are you leaving so soon?"  
King Ecbert stood, dripping like an Airedale. "I don't care what they say about doing what the Romans do while in Rome! I am a red blooded Anglo Saxon male and I only like adult women! Ne me molestere, peccavatami! Et salve mei, Christos! Salve mei!" He pattered off, dripping water and as he fled he heard Caligula shout out "Tua homophobe!"  
"Damn right!" Ecbert shouted over his shoulder. "I'm a man, and I'm scared shitless of you two!"


End file.
